Anxiety in Children

Have you ever seen a fire alarm going off? A fire alarm is really loud and bright! It's really loud and bright so that you pay attention to it. It alerts you to the fact that a safety concern (i.e., smoke and fire) is nearby.  Good thing we have fire alarms - they help alert you to an imminent safety concern so you can spring into action and get out!

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Did you know your body has its own alarm system that works similar to a fire alarm?  If your body ever felt uncomfortable, like shaky legs, or your heart was pounding, or pain in your head or stomach, or sweaty, or ""panicky" all at once, you may have experienced your body's alarm system going off. These symptoms also alert us to the possibility of imminent safety concerns around us, and it feels uncomfortable so that we can pay attention to whatever safety concern is near.

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Sometimes the fire alarm goes off when there isn't any actual fire or smoke! This is called a false alarm. Anxiety is when your body's alarm system goes off when there isn't any actual safety concern. Your body's alarm system may make you feel like there's a safety concern even though your safety isn't in danger. Anxiety is like a false alarm!

 

We want our body's alarm system to go off when we are in danger, not when we are actually safe!

If you touch something hot with your hand, you probably move your hand away very quickly!  It's human nature to not want to get hurt!

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Anxiety feels really, really uncomfortable, and can even feel painful. Just like you wouldn't want to keep your hand on something really hot, people don't want to feel anxious.  So when our body's alarm system (e.g., anxiety) is going off and we feel uncomfortable, WE WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT THING ( e.g., trigger) THAT MADE US FEEL THAT WAY FOREVER! Staying away from things that cause anxiety is called avoidance.

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While staying away from something forever may help us feel better (less anxiety) right away, it actually makes the anxiety feelings worse over time.  Just like the more you do something the easier it is to do that thing, the more you don't do something, the harder it is to do that thing later.

Anxiety heightens your awareness to safety concerns, when there isn't any safety concerns around! But sometimes when our body's alarm is going off, we think there is a safety concern when there actually isn't one! That's so tricky! After all, it's really hard to think carefully and logically when our body's alarm system is going off.

 

Thinking that we might get hurt can cause us to do things that we don't want to do -- like telling adults we aren't going to do something they are telling us to do, running away, hiding, not going somewhere fun, not talk to other people, or other things that are not things we usually do. 

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The more we don't face our fears or do the things that feel really, really scary, the scarier that thing feels which makes it harder to do it in the future, and the more that we may not want to do similar things in the future! This can make it very difficult to try new things or do more of thing we already enjoy.  The more we don't face our fears, the more we might think we cannot do things. Anxiety can make us feel like we aren't good enough or we can't do things that we actually could do if we faced our fears.

 

Thinking about the thing is scarier than doing the thing.​

If your friend was afraid of dogs and you weren't, what would you do to help your friend become less afraid of dogs? You may think about things like having your friend be in the room with your dog while the dog is leashed. Then once your friend is comfortable with that, having them pet your dog when your dog is laying down.

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Of course you know how to do this, because you are so awesome! We know from research that what helps people manage their anxiety is to face their fears (exposures) -- SLOWLY -- while also focusing on more helpful thoughts that are more evidence-based (cognitive restructuring) than current fear-based thoughts (like, "what if", or "the worst thing will happen if I...") (distorted thoughts).  This can allow you to feel your body's alarm going off, while taking time to think through if your body's alarm is indicative of a real safety concern or is a false alarm. If it's a false alarm, you can take steps to reduce the alarm's cues :)​

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Therapy can help people manage their anxiety symptoms in these ways. Having someone you trust facing your fears with you and helping you talk through these situations can be so helpful!  

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Learning to manage your anxiety can make you become a real Superhero!

Worries and/or anxiety in your child can feel really stressful. You can feel guilty for putting them in situations that make them feel worried, wonder if you're doing the right thing, or remove the stressors that are causing them to feel worried or anxious.

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Their emotional response during times of high worries or anxiety can be draining too. They could look like they are angry, or say they are annoyed, or look really sad while they feel worried.  Talking them through their anxiety -- when they are feeling it or after the fact -- can be time consuming and require a lot of patience.

 

Therapy for childhood anxiety involve a therapist working one-on-one with your child, where your child tries new exercises at home with you between therapy sessions.

 

It could also involve parent-only sessions where you try new exercises at home with your child between therapy sessions.  Parent-only therapy with me often involves building your relationship with your child, building attunement to understanding when your child is feeling worried or anxious, coaching them through their anxiety when they are experiencing it, and learning how to support them while not removing the trigger.  It's about helping parents learn when it's OK to allow your child to feel worried so children can also learn it's OK to feel worried, and learn how to tolerate distress and manage those body cues and thoughts independently.

*To understand their perspective: Read the letter, "5 Things I Wish You Knew", written by an anxious child to adults about their anxiety.

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*To understand one approach to working with anxiety: Watch the video, "How To Make Stress Your Friend" by Kelly McGonigal