Turning Around Negative Self-Talk This School Year

By: Dr. Sarah Haas 🟡 🔴 🟢 🔵 🟣

Kids are back in school and may be experiencing a mix of emotions about it. Many parents share that their children seem overly focused on negative events or come home saying the entire school day was “bad.” Parents often struggle with how to handle this: on one hand, they want to validate their child’s experiences and feelings, but on the other hand, they don’t want to reinforce an overly negative perspective of a situation—especially when they don’t know exactly what happened (like at school). In addition, parents may not know how to appropriately challenge their child's perspective while not sending the message to their child, "you're wrong" or telling them how to feel.

Why it Matters 🟡 🔴 🟢 🔵 🟣

When children focus heavily on the negatives or frequently make negative statements about themselves or their day, parents often notice a ripple effect. Kids may be less motivated to get up in the morning, may become more defiant about participating in activities where they anticipate negative experiences, and become more emotionally dysregulated overall. This is because our thoughts have an impact on our feelings and behaviors (this is the foundation to the Cognitive-Behavior Therapy (CBT) model that has a strong evidence-base supporting it!, e.g., Kazdin & Weisz, 2010).

Our self-talk shapes our narrative and world view that we take with us into adulthood. That is, if we think we were frequently rejected by others, we may perceive rejection in multiple neutral situations with peers. If we think people did not believe us when we were growing up, we may be quick to become defensive when someone asks us a question about something we said or did in multiple situations. In addition, a continual focus on the negatives can create self-fulfilling prophecies and reinforce distorted thinking patterns over time (Loeb, Hessel, & Allen, 2017). This cycle can contribute to, or worsen, mental health concerns like anxiety and depression (Liu, Kleiman, & Riskind, 2014). 

Conversely, learning to develop a more balanced perspective of situations -- that emphasizes what went well in addition to what could be improved upon -- can help bring awareness to our shortcomings or relative weaknesses. It's this awareness -- in conjunction to our self-assuredness that we are a good person at our core -- which can allow us change to change our behaviors to be more consistent with our values, and shape a more evidence-based, balanced perspective of events.

Potential Pitfalls to Consider 🟡 🔴 🟢 🔵 🟣

Helping kids develop a more balanced perspective takes finesse. Children may feel unheard if parents skip over their negative feelings (even though parents use this technique to try to help their child focus on the positives), yet they may resist when parents try to “force” them to see the positives. Some kids, especially those who feel nervous in certain situations, may genuinely struggle to identify any positives—even in situations that parents know their child usually enjoy.

Another common pitfall is when parents try to tell their child what the positives are, only to be met with disagreement. In this way, asking questions that prompt your child about how to think more in-depth about a situation, rather than telling them what to think, can be more impactful on their longer-term development.

6 Ways Parents Can Help Shift Perspective 🟡 🔴 🟢 🔵 🟣

1. Start the day with a positive focal point. Ask your child: “What are you looking forward to today?”  If your child says "nothing" or respond negatively, it’s okay to gently suggest something you know they usually enjoy. If they disagree, you don’t need to argue—you’ve planted the seed that there could be something to look forward to.

2. Plan ahead for something fun. Give your child something concrete to anticipate by asking: “After school, what’s one thing you’d like to do together?” (within reason). Looking forward to a positive event can help kids get through more difficult parts of the day.

3. End the day with reflection. At bedtime or over dinner, ask: “What was your favorite part of today?”  This shifts attention to what went right. If your child pauses before answering, don’t rush—sometimes the silence means they’re genuinely reflecting on something they don’t normally think about.

4. Balance the negative with the good. When your child shares something negative, validate their feelings first (e.g., "I'd be upset if someone said that to me")—then ask: “What good or neutral thing happened in or as a result of that situation?” Using and instead of but can be powerful: “My friend didn’t want to play with me at lunch, AND I asked another friend to play gaga ball.” This can help them learn that challenges and positives can coexist.

5. Build pride in themselves. I love ending the day by asking my kids: “What’s something you’re proud of yourself for today?” Small or big, this can reinforce confidence and helps kids recognize their own strengths. In addition, when asked as "WHAT are you proud of" instead of "IS THERE anything you're proud of," you're setting the stage for them to know there is something they did that day that they should be proud of! If they can't come up with anything, I often have something at the ready so that they know I'm proud of them and can model what behaviors or characteristics are things that they could feel proud of themselves for.

6. Challenge dramatic language. Kids can exaggerate with absolutes like: “You never listen to me” or “I always mess up.” Instead of brushing it off, reflect it back: “Whoa, I didn’t realize you feel like I never listen. Do you really think it’s never? Can you think of a time when I did?” This helps kids recognize distorted thinking and practice more accurate, evidence-based self-talk.

How Therapy Can Help 🟡 🔴 🟢 🔵 🟣

These strategies are rooted in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)—an evidence-based approach used widely in child and adolescent therapy. CBT doesn’t dismiss negative thoughts or suggest kids should just think about “puppies and rainbows.” Instead, it helps kids identify when their thoughts are distorted (for example, exaggerating negatives while minimizing positives), recognize how those thoughts affect their emotions and behavior, and learn how to shift toward more balanced thinking.

In CBT, the goal is to help children base their perspective on the actual evidence of what happens in their day, rather than letting a biased or distorted perspective control how they feel and behave. In addition to CBT strategies, parents often find it helpful to implement consistent boundaries and continue strengthening their parent–child relationship. These supports create a foundation for kids to rise to the challenge of considering different perspectives.

Final Thoughts 🟡 🔴 🟢 🔵 🟣

These strategies are simple starting points, but they may not be enough for every child. Parents often need guidance when their child insists nothing positive ever happens, dismisses attempts to reflect, or misinterprets social interactions (for example, perceiving peer rejection without recognizing their own role in the interaction).

Kids also learn perspective from what they observe. Modeling balance yourself can be powerful: “Work was stressful, and I really enjoyed my walk at lunch.”  This shows them how to acknowledge challenges while still appreciating the good things.

It’s also important to remember that frequent negative comments about school aren’t always just a stage of development or something that will pass. Consistent negative comments or defiance around going to school can reflect deeper issues, such as peer relationship struggles, academic challenges, or learning differences. These strategies are not about ignoring those concerns—they’re about helping your child develop healthier thinking while staying alert to potential underlying issues. These strategies will not be enough for treating more severe and persistent presentations, and may not be enough to address underlying concerns like anxiety or learning differences. It's also important to note that these strategies should not be a replacement for treatment for anxiety or depression. Rather, these strategies are a way to help kids reshape how they reflect on their day and their worldview.

If you feel your child needs more support than these more simplistic strategies, and your child is experiencing impairment as a result of their negative perspective, they Center for Active Minds may be able to help. We specialize in helping kids and families navigate challenges like anxiety, ADHD, and school stress by using evidence-based techniques, including CBT. What may be unique to our services is the fact that we collaborate with parents to build attunement to their child's emotional and behavioral needs, develop and implement consistent boundaries, and work on strategies to build their relationship with their child. Contact us here to learn more.

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References:

Loeb, E., Hessel, E. T., & Allen, J. (2016). The self-fulfilling prophecy of adolescent social expectations. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 40(6), 555-564.

Liu, R. T., Kleiman, E. M., & Riskind, J. H. (2014). Integrating negative cognitive style and hopelessness theories: Implications of event specificity for depressive symptoms and suicidality. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 38(3), 249–260. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-013-9597-x

Weisz, J. R., & Kazdin, A. E. (Eds.). (2010). Evidence-based psychotherapies for children and adolescents. Guilford Press.